Happy New Year!

I haven't my blog for while because of my college applications and such and I apologize to the few that reads this  hidden jewel for being incompetent on delivering on time. However, I will go back to my normal schedule right after New Years. Yay!
I write a summary on New Year's Eve every year since I came to America.  One to Chronicle my life in 2011 and two is to have something to look back and say "wow, this is bringing back memories!"
In any case, a lot have happened this year.  First of all, I tried to graduate to early, and applied to 12 Colleges in my junior year, and was rejected by every one of them. I was sad, and fell into a rather slumbering state over the summer break. The short visit made by my father and a trip to the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas to see David Copperfield did lift my mood momentarily; however, the fact that they divorced right before did not help much. The summer past by really quickly as I fell in love with Animation and followed by my mother second marriage.   Now, there is only one month left of my high school career.

This year was bitter sweet, I cannot possible describe the feeling that conjectures up in my heart everytime I look back on it. There is the coffee bitter, sugar sweet, lemon sour and many other taste mixed within. Maybe this is what one would call life.

For some reason, Rent's "How do you measure Life" is on my mind right now. "Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minute,"  is how long a year is, and how do you measure that? For me, I do not only measure in love, I also measure my life in the memories I ve made, in the step I took, in the voices I heard, in the happiness I felt and in the tears I've shed. Because this is life, and it does not only have love, thus  love can not accurately represent it.  However, I feel there should be more love in life, less funeral picketing, less name calling, less bulling, more of love.  As for me, a Christian, I want to love more, and mature more and think of more of the future, the next year, the next Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes.

Happy New Year !!!

I love you all. 

Hello, Hello, Here comes the show

Happy Halloween!

This is such a fun Holiday.To quote the movie Mean Girls: this is the time of year where girls can wear slutty clothes and nobody can say anything." (Not Exact) Personally, as a Christian, I dislike slutty girls. That's not the point, however, the important idea illustrated in the movie is the sense of youth. The naked, daring youth. When else in your life can you dress in a princess outfit and not be laughed at? What about a tin man suit? Superheros?  Jules Winnfield? If there's anytime to wear a kinky outfit, or a dorky crown, Halloween is the time. The full energy of youth bursts out every year on the October 31st. I celebrate that passion, too. As a young man, it is serious fun to spray paint my hair green for no apparent purpose, because youth is about enjoy some ridiculous experiences that you would be able to when you are older. It's about living up to the opportunities that are given to us at this time of our lives. That is what youth is supposed to be and  that daring spirit is what makes Halloween great.

Then again, I strongly discourage dressing immoderately or anything illegal.

Walking Upwards: A change of Pace

"Nothing can stay unchanged, fun things; happy things, they can't all possibly stay unchanged. Even so, can you keep on loving this place?"

That was what Nagisa asked herself in the beginning of the Clannad. Change means many things to many people, to some, it might be a promotion, a new born child, a reunion; it might also bring a foreclosure, a funeral. Is it inevitable? To change? Will and can we freezing time like the ice frost the river in the winter? The truth, we can. We can freeze ourselves.  We can tell ourselves when we skid on ice that it is and will always be strong enough to hold our weight as the whole lake is frozen. Tell me. Is change inevitable?

No matter how cruel and brutal the winter is, the lake it self cannot be possibly frozen to the very bottom. That is the reality: we cannot stop time, it flows underneath our false confidence, smirks and ignores the thin layer of ice which we tried to cage it in.

I was never really a fan of changes. My latent talent of ignoring reality is fearsome. It might due to the dramatic childhood, an adaptation of sorts. Not to lament online, I am conscious of the fact. Yesterday, my mother is officially remarried. My finger in front of the keyboard as I typed the last sentence. What do I feel? What do I do for her? What do I do now? Those are the question that I am asking, since I have closed my eyes on reality easily, my emotions do not catch up  the stream of reality time.

Is change good? Is change bad. I believe that things change for a reason, though sometimes you cannot see it yet. But how do I summon the strength to wake my self to the change and continue walking upwards is the question. This is indeed an intrusion and confusion time period, to adept to the changes and properly react to them. I believe that is how you move forward, and that is answer that Nagisa was trying to find.

"Just find them. Just find new fun and happy things. Come on, Let's go." is what Tomoya told Nagisa.

Walking Upwards: Responsbility on MY shoulder? Mingled feelings and Mango like sweet poison

           My current situation, is that I am stranded in between a peculiar and scrutinizing step father who hawks out Minorr details such as a shoe box on the floor as an evidence against my irresponsible lifestyle, and an inner recognition of a character building in progress filled with many flaws yet an stubborn confidence of my great ability and an never ending pretentious drive towards an approbation of my maturity. Sounds like a growing up to you?Maybe not you in particular, but enough confusion to buzz with my focused brain.
           On the one hand, the ever so accepting and forgiving step father, who ever so not worry himself over minor accidents, and rather look beyond the present, is not who he suppose to be. The fact is that he is over concentrated on the present and the dust on the table that he is getting to be quite a buzz. Every time that I shan't close the cereal box, the Nazi side of him becomes apparent. And now, I am, in his eyes, an irresponsible teen who can't wash his own face and therefore let alone drive at night, and stay at the house alone even for one single night. Pity me and pity him.
            I realize, of course, that I should be closing the cereal box. I should take care of my room. It's a character building process which I must partake. However, I do not care for a single second about making up my bed, which only consist of one cover. There are things that he is right about, and I know deep down and will do to change them; however, the over cautiousness of him is in truth treating my like a child, which in turn creates a conflict for my capable and serious side. How annoying  the situation.
            In the process of rebuilding and continuing expansion of my character and responsibility, I also realized that I really am in need of a over do. I am, much more conscious of my actions and responsibilities, yet sometimes I am reluctant to fulfill my position. The reasons for this is and must be complex. Since this growing up though, this is a obstacle I must triumph. And here is where I talk about my so planned out ambitions and the great productivity that lies ahead, and then I shall forget it. This is the great gap between reality and fantasy, the great canyon of maturity and the great dilemma of my teenage years. It isn't sweet and yet it seems to be. It isn't put together but I can see the whole picture. This is what my head feels like towards this period of my life.
            Now, maybe I should start this with closing the cereal box.

          

Walking Upwards: July 24th

Dear July 24th of 2011,

It's been 4 years since July 24th of 2007, hasn't it, July 24th of 2011. I never thought I would catch up to you so soon, and I was never in a hurry either. Possibly, the first human being who ever so smartly observed time and divided it up in units never thought that this gold egg of an idea came to haunt us in many ways. Middle life crisis, rebellious young ages, all of which is a indirect cause or medium of our limited time being divided into years and stages. So I, rather think of those 4 "years" of my life, which consisnt of me moving into the apartment on 9th street, 3 blocks away from the university, after a rainy day in the desert around 11O'Clock in 2007, and wiping out the dust on the floor as we moved the last of box on the same day four years later, as a little race that's ended.

It ended with me rejected by every single college I applied to as an junior international student in need of aid. It ended with my mother being remarried and I have a change of place to live.
It ended with me trying to finding a new purpose, and motivation for the future in the a ocean of a changing slumber summer.

But today forward, I will start something new. take a new turn, to a new place, and dip my feet in a different ocean. Because today, I will be saying bye to the place I lived for 4 years, and accepting my new residence. I will slowly but surely start to move one foot infront of the other and hopefully, looking forward to the next grand adventure of my time.

Something like that.

Walking Upward: Intro

I have been putting off writing off my blog, or lyrics ,or up taking my responsibilities to such things as writing emails and working hard since the rumbling summer started. The rejection of my college applications landed a heavy under punch, then the busted APs continued with a right hand hook, such that I closed my eyes and simply called a forfeit.

A forfeited summer that was for more than month. I dared to ignored replying and writing important email, dared to stood still while my life, my mother and her new husband, and my supposed address is moving forward and changing, and I closed my head and stayed at the old apartment and watched anime 24/7.

It was hard to get out of the dormant state, but I came to my senses and the real world around me the responsibility that I must partake and face. To slowly gain moment again to the crowd and life, not pretending to play dead anymore.

Thus, I will write my experience of growing up, mentally, down on this blog as a carving stone for my memories and hopefully an encouragement for some. Every Sunday and Tuesday I will write down my own revelation and continue walking upward.

An Update: The Art of Reading

           Reading is difficult. Without an proper goal, method nor standard to anchor up, reading is difficult. You read differently than me and I read differently than him. All the while you received the message of impending doom as I foresaw the coming of a new age, reading is difficult.  To digest and redigest the words on those pages, like the regurgitating calf slowly retaste the grass in it's rumen, reading is difficult.
           It's difficult in two ways, the process and the intention or the goal, the point, the ending line. Reading takes time, and time runs on patience, while patience decreases over time. Therefore, reading runs a limited spectrum which does not last long. For some, it is ever so short. Then comes the questions as to how do you read if you are ever so easily distracted? You can't. It's that simple. The slow pain staking process is a instant kill for many people. For too many, I would say. Thus, the victims of distraction and low patience can not read. Reading is difficult.
           Second, the more troubling reason, is the motive behind reading. WHY do you read? Is for the sake of reading or for the sake of love of reading. Those are two different things.   What do you get is different. One is an experience while another is a result. One is the immediate message of the book while another is a imprinted memory. WHY do you read? WHAT do you read? These are the question that clutch on to my mind as I flipped open a book and I do not find the answer until the last word is read.

Maybe I think too much after all.

Thanks for reading this.

An Update 8: Hold on a second

A rejection letter from University Chicago. At least one down, still nine to go. This is the time when college put you on a piece of paper and make you question your self worth. Even better, friends already got accepted into their college. Now, this is just tiring. This game is to hard to play with too much on the line.
But no, I am not going to put my self worth on the line, as wage to applying to those college. I know this, that everyone applied there must put something of their as the ticket. No matter that's a childhood dream or reputation. But it is not worth it. There are no college that deserves such treatment. This is not a loser's speech. This is a realization of self worth. For we are all uqiue.
However, congrats to the people who got in Univeristy of Chicago or MIT, for their dreams will be realized and become true. But who do you with your life is in your hands, not the insitution's. Not all the president went to Harvar. Ronald Regen went Eurka College; Obama initially went to Occidental College. Where you go to Undergraduate doesn't matters, what do you do there matters.

An Update 7: Time is passing slowly

Ah, is almost that time of the year already; more specifically, that part of life already. I have about 11 days until I receive that dreading message of college acceptance letter, for better or for worse. Actually, for worse, there are already many people accepted into their dream college, including MIT and Williams and Amherst. No. I am happy for them yet want to level with them. But how fragile is my little hope dangling around the edge my insanity. The power which I have right now is not enough for the torturing days to come. This is the time where I know how little of faith I have. In God and in myself; more in God right now, since my feeble efforts did its best couple of month ago when I applied to those colleges. The itching feeling I have scratches my fingers every morning when I type in my email address is growing stronger. How little faith I have. The irrtating monsetrosity dares to take me apart. How little faith I have. Why couldn't I have the songs of serpent liquify and poison me, into a deep coma which I will awake 13 days later. How, little, how small, and how fragile my faith is.
Not for a while have I rest again. rest on the greens and the blues. God, take my yoke from me and free me from the ever slow time. That's my faith now, enough to let it go and trust in him. How little faith I have.

An Update 6: Infinite circle

Such depressing stories for a friday. Such an horrible earth quakes for Japan. By coincidence or not, I almost witnessed two devasting events that happend to Japan. One is the BBC documentary regarding the nuclear bombing in 1945, another with the earthquake. The feeling has been mingled and failed, and my mind started to spin, like any other odd self depercating patheic human being, I resorted to thinking.
It begin with the Hiroshima and Nagasake, the most over used and precise question arises and asked:" was it justified." And so does the puzzle begin. It may never be justified, for the people of Hiroshima and Nagasake was annilated, completed crushed as we witnessed what was the finest and quickest killing machine that human being ever invented yet opened its jaws. It was only a couple seconds until there was Hiroshima and Nagaske no more, still the radiation spreaded, and cuts into people's hearts and stayed there.
But it was justified. The emperor of Japan and army would not surrender and the allies was prepared for a full scale invasion that will cost millions of casualities and many more on the Japanese. If we become so heartless and compare the sheer of number of lives the bomb "saved." We maybe at GAIN. If we are only so heartless. But we can not compare lives to lives, one human being's worth to another. The bomb might really saved millions of people of lives, but it destroyed many others.
So blame it on Japan's emperor for refusal to surrender, blame it on U.S. for dropping the bomb. You know what, let's blame it on the war. Well, the war started with Hitler, let's blame him. Hitler just wanted power, so blame the inperfect human conditions and faults we have. Then it goes on to what shaped us and how it shaped us as human beings, so blame society. Now it became a endless vortex that questions our existence and cause of suffering. Then Japan was crushed under the earthquake, the circle never ends.

Now the heads has been filled with ever so pessmistic thoughts and yet I did not lose it. I am still hopeful. I pray for Japan and it's people to deal with earthquakes, I pray for the lives of many others. Under the dire conditions that we have here on earth, I only can hope that we do not waste any second of our lives which seemed so fragile. I guess, prayer, is the best I can do right now.

An Update 4: Murmuring and Thinking

Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. The joy of Rene Descarte and human intellect combines and crosses, in which of the shadow thus I stand, more often than I should. As crazy as it seems, the merit of thinking, to me at least, is merely a entertainment, for the brains of thirsty, nothing to do, and self riddling "intellectuals." The "thinking" of which I am referring to is not the same "thinking" which is used by engineers, physicians. Nor it is an excuse used almost meaninglessly to buy some time before the eventual apocalypse. It could be equated with drugs, opium, which fueled for centuries and matured numerous addictions. Such famous addicts includes, as early back as Aristotle, Francis Bacon, John Locke, Immanuel Kant, Benjamin Franklin and so on. For them, thinking must have been a joy, a form of opera for their brain. Of course, the validity of pervious statement is hopelessly unprovable thus deserving of death by hanging. However, the point might be intuitive though, that thinking, something of that produces no real world results( unlike problem solving, the more realistic cousin) ,by it self at least, is just fun. Like a brain teaser for big boys, to think about life, government and all that is between the sky above and earth below. Our brain likes it, our intellectual part of ourselves demands it, so we thought and continue to do so. For centuries and centuries and centuries, the collective thinkers and drunks could stack together and reach the moon 10 times fold. Which is a good place to place all the drunks. Back to the point, as we find that "thinking" is nothing but of a entertaining process for people who have free time to think and therefore call them "intellectuals" is design for something greater. It's designed for us to realize our special talents, that we could get a glimpse of horizon of the ocean, without knowing what it is out there.  It tells us that we have just a taste of the truth, we are only so little and can accomplish so little. But it is there to give us the reassurance that we are different, like a telescope, reaching to the stars and regift our purpose, whatever that is.

Now, there is something for you to think about.

For only 5 dollars a kilo. 

An Update 3: Valentines's song

Marianna: Bright Days,  not by distance, but by faith, living in, a , stained glass myriad, opening up , small wisdom.

Harry ( me) : Smile, not of here or there, but of hearts, expands in the , atmosphere , transcends, fragrance of you.

This is a valentine's "conversation" between My friend marianna and I on facebook. It was her original post that give me a wonderful platform to express my long awaited sentimentalism from watching a beautifully made movie. It was neat, I think,  perfect for the occasion. I thoroughly admire Marianna's original and her creativity and heart that build it. So thank you, Marianna. And enjoy this valentine's song.

By the way, there is no spell check on the school's laptop, so if I miss spelled some words, please forgive me. :p

An Update 2 : Creast of Poetry and the Day

Live with, Wither with and Rest with
The flower which was born
It grows, lives, and frowns
So let go, an ultimantum ,
A hill awaits alone

So the hill awaits alone
The sight was there to see
But what else, man?
Is the star with you also?
But what else, man?
Is the sun with you also?
Is the moon with you also?
Is the galaxy with you also?

Ah, the breath which meant to fly away
What remains but names on stones
But eternal glory,
lives, and will not wither.

So that's how the poems ends. With a whisper, not a bang. I do not have a particular interest in the poetry, but it so happen today that I felt the need to write. To write and to sing my heart out. In school, in the almost empty cafeteria which I enjoy a piece of solitude. I like herd though, it excites me and keep me occupied. The friends, the smiles, the times which flows away so easily, and memories, today, the day which my comedy club convens from 4 to 5, is a good day.

An update!

Here is a funny story for you.
When I was little, my teeth was beautiful and straight. It was an perfect set. Perfect for anything related to talking to making a speech. But that was then. Then means before I started to get the new ones. And they came, crooked and isolated. My front tooth has an instinctive dislike towards each other, while the one on the left of the front is subjected to front tooth's influence while the one on the right is a loner. I am not even finished yet. As you zoom out a little. you will also see that I also have the tiger teeth as they call it in China. Just a wonderful set.

Ha, the story does not end there. Though I was still the exciting person I was then, I was reluctant to smile. So I did not. Every time I did, I forced my lip to covered the hideous things, making an almost anguish and awkward face. But I was embarrassed of my teeth. As the days went on, I can not really smile anymore, at least, not like what others did. I did not know how to smile! When I look back now, I remember the silliness of that choice and I would chuckle a little, then reach for sip from my cup of tea.

So it went on, until America. I do not exactly know how I really started to accept my self and reimburse my confidence. I do not know. But it was then that I found out that people did not really care how I looked. As long as I am confident, I am confident in how I look, how I dressed, how I spoke. Then I started to lift up my upper lips more and more and letting more of  my confidence in. God made me this way and I am complaining and rejecting anymore. Though now air can cross my teeth easily, they will love the feel of air running between them. Ah, the freedom and the happiness of trusting your soul!

So, I though that was a funny, sweet story. Please read it with a cup of tea.