"Nothing can stay unchanged, fun things; happy things, they can't all possibly stay unchanged. Even so, can you keep on loving this place?"
That was what Nagisa asked herself in the beginning of the Clannad. Change means many things to many people, to some, it might be a promotion, a new born child, a reunion; it might also bring a foreclosure, a funeral. Is it inevitable? To change? Will and can we freezing time like the ice frost the river in the winter? The truth, we can. We can freeze ourselves. We can tell ourselves when we skid on ice that it is and will always be strong enough to hold our weight as the whole lake is frozen. Tell me. Is change inevitable?
No matter how cruel and brutal the winter is, the lake it self cannot be possibly frozen to the very bottom. That is the reality: we cannot stop time, it flows underneath our false confidence, smirks and ignores the thin layer of ice which we tried to cage it in.
I was never really a fan of changes. My latent talent of ignoring reality is fearsome. It might due to the dramatic childhood, an adaptation of sorts. Not to lament online, I am conscious of the fact. Yesterday, my mother is officially remarried. My finger in front of the keyboard as I typed the last sentence. What do I feel? What do I do for her? What do I do now? Those are the question that I am asking, since I have closed my eyes on reality easily, my emotions do not catch up the stream of reality time.
Is change good? Is change bad. I believe that things change for a reason, though sometimes you cannot see it yet. But how do I summon the strength to wake my self to the change and continue walking upwards is the question. This is indeed an intrusion and confusion time period, to adept to the changes and properly react to them. I believe that is how you move forward, and that is answer that Nagisa was trying to find.
"Just find them. Just find new fun and happy things. Come on, Let's go." is what Tomoya told Nagisa.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Walking Upwards: Responsbility on MY shoulder? Mingled feelings and Mango like sweet poison
My current situation, is that I am stranded in between a peculiar and scrutinizing step father who hawks out Minorr details such as a shoe box on the floor as an evidence against my irresponsible lifestyle, and an inner recognition of a character building in progress filled with many flaws yet an stubborn confidence of my great ability and an never ending pretentious drive towards an approbation of my maturity. Sounds like a growing up to you?Maybe not you in particular, but enough confusion to buzz with my focused brain.
On the one hand, the ever so accepting and forgiving step father, who ever so not worry himself over minor accidents, and rather look beyond the present, is not who he suppose to be. The fact is that he is over concentrated on the present and the dust on the table that he is getting to be quite a buzz. Every time that I shan't close the cereal box, the Nazi side of him becomes apparent. And now, I am, in his eyes, an irresponsible teen who can't wash his own face and therefore let alone drive at night, and stay at the house alone even for one single night. Pity me and pity him.
I realize, of course, that I should be closing the cereal box. I should take care of my room. It's a character building process which I must partake. However, I do not care for a single second about making up my bed, which only consist of one cover. There are things that he is right about, and I know deep down and will do to change them; however, the over cautiousness of him is in truth treating my like a child, which in turn creates a conflict for my capable and serious side. How annoying the situation.
In the process of rebuilding and continuing expansion of my character and responsibility, I also realized that I really am in need of a over do. I am, much more conscious of my actions and responsibilities, yet sometimes I am reluctant to fulfill my position. The reasons for this is and must be complex. Since this growing up though, this is a obstacle I must triumph. And here is where I talk about my so planned out ambitions and the great productivity that lies ahead, and then I shall forget it. This is the great gap between reality and fantasy, the great canyon of maturity and the great dilemma of my teenage years. It isn't sweet and yet it seems to be. It isn't put together but I can see the whole picture. This is what my head feels like towards this period of my life.
Now, maybe I should start this with closing the cereal box.
On the one hand, the ever so accepting and forgiving step father, who ever so not worry himself over minor accidents, and rather look beyond the present, is not who he suppose to be. The fact is that he is over concentrated on the present and the dust on the table that he is getting to be quite a buzz. Every time that I shan't close the cereal box, the Nazi side of him becomes apparent. And now, I am, in his eyes, an irresponsible teen who can't wash his own face and therefore let alone drive at night, and stay at the house alone even for one single night. Pity me and pity him.
I realize, of course, that I should be closing the cereal box. I should take care of my room. It's a character building process which I must partake. However, I do not care for a single second about making up my bed, which only consist of one cover. There are things that he is right about, and I know deep down and will do to change them; however, the over cautiousness of him is in truth treating my like a child, which in turn creates a conflict for my capable and serious side. How annoying the situation.
In the process of rebuilding and continuing expansion of my character and responsibility, I also realized that I really am in need of a over do. I am, much more conscious of my actions and responsibilities, yet sometimes I am reluctant to fulfill my position. The reasons for this is and must be complex. Since this growing up though, this is a obstacle I must triumph. And here is where I talk about my so planned out ambitions and the great productivity that lies ahead, and then I shall forget it. This is the great gap between reality and fantasy, the great canyon of maturity and the great dilemma of my teenage years. It isn't sweet and yet it seems to be. It isn't put together but I can see the whole picture. This is what my head feels like towards this period of my life.
Now, maybe I should start this with closing the cereal box.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Walking Upwards: July 24th
Dear July 24th of 2011,
It's been 4 years since July 24th of 2007, hasn't it, July 24th of 2011. I never thought I would catch up to you so soon, and I was never in a hurry either. Possibly, the first human being who ever so smartly observed time and divided it up in units never thought that this gold egg of an idea came to haunt us in many ways. Middle life crisis, rebellious young ages, all of which is a indirect cause or medium of our limited time being divided into years and stages. So I, rather think of those 4 "years" of my life, which consisnt of me moving into the apartment on 9th street, 3 blocks away from the university, after a rainy day in the desert around 11O'Clock in 2007, and wiping out the dust on the floor as we moved the last of box on the same day four years later, as a little race that's ended.
It ended with me rejected by every single college I applied to as an junior international student in need of aid. It ended with my mother being remarried and I have a change of place to live.
It ended with me trying to finding a new purpose, and motivation for the future in the a ocean of a changing slumber summer.
But today forward, I will start something new. take a new turn, to a new place, and dip my feet in a different ocean. Because today, I will be saying bye to the place I lived for 4 years, and accepting my new residence. I will slowly but surely start to move one foot infront of the other and hopefully, looking forward to the next grand adventure of my time.
Something like that.
It's been 4 years since July 24th of 2007, hasn't it, July 24th of 2011. I never thought I would catch up to you so soon, and I was never in a hurry either. Possibly, the first human being who ever so smartly observed time and divided it up in units never thought that this gold egg of an idea came to haunt us in many ways. Middle life crisis, rebellious young ages, all of which is a indirect cause or medium of our limited time being divided into years and stages. So I, rather think of those 4 "years" of my life, which consisnt of me moving into the apartment on 9th street, 3 blocks away from the university, after a rainy day in the desert around 11O'Clock in 2007, and wiping out the dust on the floor as we moved the last of box on the same day four years later, as a little race that's ended.
It ended with me rejected by every single college I applied to as an junior international student in need of aid. It ended with my mother being remarried and I have a change of place to live.
It ended with me trying to finding a new purpose, and motivation for the future in the a ocean of a changing slumber summer.
But today forward, I will start something new. take a new turn, to a new place, and dip my feet in a different ocean. Because today, I will be saying bye to the place I lived for 4 years, and accepting my new residence. I will slowly but surely start to move one foot infront of the other and hopefully, looking forward to the next grand adventure of my time.
Something like that.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Walking Upward: Intro
I have been putting off writing off my blog, or lyrics ,or up taking my responsibilities to such things as writing emails and working hard since the rumbling summer started. The rejection of my college applications landed a heavy under punch, then the busted APs continued with a right hand hook, such that I closed my eyes and simply called a forfeit.
A forfeited summer that was for more than month. I dared to ignored replying and writing important email, dared to stood still while my life, my mother and her new husband, and my supposed address is moving forward and changing, and I closed my head and stayed at the old apartment and watched anime 24/7.
It was hard to get out of the dormant state, but I came to my senses and the real world around me the responsibility that I must partake and face. To slowly gain moment again to the crowd and life, not pretending to play dead anymore.
Thus, I will write my experience of growing up, mentally, down on this blog as a carving stone for my memories and hopefully an encouragement for some. Every Sunday and Tuesday I will write down my own revelation and continue walking upward.
A forfeited summer that was for more than month. I dared to ignored replying and writing important email, dared to stood still while my life, my mother and her new husband, and my supposed address is moving forward and changing, and I closed my head and stayed at the old apartment and watched anime 24/7.
It was hard to get out of the dormant state, but I came to my senses and the real world around me the responsibility that I must partake and face. To slowly gain moment again to the crowd and life, not pretending to play dead anymore.
Thus, I will write my experience of growing up, mentally, down on this blog as a carving stone for my memories and hopefully an encouragement for some. Every Sunday and Tuesday I will write down my own revelation and continue walking upward.
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